Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. The last time I had sex was in 1997. Thank you, great essay. Lame! You both shatter into a million pieces, and when you emerge from the depths of pain for air, you find that though you are still in love with each other, nothing will ever be the same again. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. I almost wish I were. That leaves us with so many perverts running around today inept at forming a real relationship, fantasy is in sadly. But I do it, why? While my wife does not do drugs or anything like that, she has lost the interest for sex. Do we risk our grown children finding out and not understanding? Now when I express frustration, she will occasionally make a half hearted attempt, but rejects me at the last moment which has brought forth some lack of confidence for me and resentment towards her. Why waste your money and time on hookerd? Do I disgust her? My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. I cant do that, divorce right away. Youre right that its a huge, painful problem. She wont talk about it and claims she desires no intimacy. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. We use a great lubricant called Astroglide, to help things along, good stuff. She can just kiss my butt. For a short time shed schedule sex once a week whether or not she felt like itbut then menopause hit and sex dwindled again, diminishing to once or twice a year until we stopped having sex altogether. That lie: its not important, only if you want it. But I still feel that my wife is my one and only best friend and while I may be frustrated , I will always hold that more dear than anything else. She replied yes. I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there's something wrong. We have been married 10 years and he has never touched me in an intimate way, or never had sex or even tried. Start by losing the weight, shaving the body, washing daily, put some effort into youre own self and for Christs sake, clean up after yourself. She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. And I suffer. Cheating just isnt in me. Thomas, I agree! that you would love to have *that* him back in your life. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. If you think your wife avoids intimacy because of an underlying condition, its best to seek medical help at the earliest. An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. Damn was I a dumbass. It will never balance out. 1. I am fine with him pleasuring himself and even using porn is fine. He claims to love me and just wants to continue on with what I consider a rather boring, dreary and certainly sexless marriage! There is no excuse for boxing your partner in such a guilt ridden morally compromising prison. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. If shes willing, find a therapist who will help you and your wife talk about this and really listen to each otherand if she wont go, go on your own. She always had 2 orgasms before me. In my experience as a marriage counselor, Ive seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. Gopa explains how having a partner who has severe trust issues can also be the reason why theres no intimacy in marriage from the wife. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. Cause it needs done. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. I realized that her life and passion are our girls (which she refers to as her girls). Its only going to get worse. First, that every interaction will be based on trust. How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Not the husband its always the mom. When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff. My husband is 46 gringo! I love her but I need/miss sexual relations, which she's not into. The guy is a magnet! The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. Its maddening! She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood. That was pretty much the end of a normal sex life, He had a horrific childhood, beatings, a suicidal mother (she cut her wrists in front of her children), infidelity on both sides. If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. Drying up was a major problem. It works for him. While I understand where you are coming from, what if (as in my case) it is a physical.problem that is the cause. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. So my question to the men here. But no cuddling, spooning, showers, surprise hugs or squeezes, in bed we may as well be cousins or brother and sister as we just sleep on our own side and no touches. Although she initially helped with my toddlers, she eventually lost interest and helped only occasionally. Would you expect your wife to attach as much emotional significance to cooking dinner as to making love? (she has seen a councelor) and she this has gone on for years and may take years to heal and maybe I will never heal. In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . , motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. Im mid 50s married man who has ED and low T. I have always had a lower desire. Her duty? I agree 100%. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Its ridiculous. That old saying use or loose it.. My 76 year old husband has not. We are 64 years old and havent had sex for 3 1/2 years. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. by *someone!! I want to be involved in sex to enjoy the feeling of being loved by a woman.. in bed nothing happen just sleep. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all. After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. What should the husband do. But I have my workshop where I fix cars and my wood shop. The first step toward addressing this oft-tricky issue is to understand why your wife is acting distant and avoiding being intimate with you. He wears it and with a little imagination it can work just like the real thing. We now live in a society that it is selfish or disrespectful for a man to insist or ask for sex. Women love that. Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! But when I try to go to the next level. It may not really mean anything bigger at all. Regards Glenn. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. Quite frankly, I feel like he has been and is being cheated. I have the same situation you describe, almost to a T. The only thing thats worse is that my husband is sneakily still interested in porn and satisfying himself when Im not around. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. Is there anything I can do. She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! She does something she HATES because she loves me, but cant do something she supposedly ENJOYS for 8.5 years. You cannot force desire no matter what you do or if it is the other partner, same thing. What about the years of devotion? Not getting the right treatment, not knowing how to deal with depression and then having the pressure to get into physical intimacy is not a good mix. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions all my life, since I started having sex as a teen. 6. Fun-loving, Honest and Straightforward. Self-love is the answer, but you can help, too. Showing discomfort is a telltale sign that your wife isn't taking foreplay positively. Only you can decide if this is right for you. EXACTLY!!! Married 23 years. You know what I dont need to know the answer. Never once I have ever forced myself in any way on my wife. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. Hello fingers!! Why would he ever have too? It doesnt necessarily make it better but it makes sense. Most stay in the marriage because of kids and the men cheat as they should. Having said that, it still stinks. No way not ever. The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. Our finances are so intermingled that to divorce means we cut our incomes in half facing either no sex or no home or food. When this happens I can not go back to sleep so my sleep is totally disrupted to the point of causing me to be unable to go about my day normally. This break down could be for a number of reasons: Some are directly related to her man. I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life. It's not about love - you love him, no question. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. (You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.). He doesn't feel confident about his body. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. I find that unfathomable. Richard C Here is what the problem is when it comes to SEX. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. In recent times, our sex life has begun to resemble our early 20s again, even better because contraception is in the rearview mirror. He never smiles? I want to divorce my husband!!! She wants no part of it. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). Just had to compliment you on what you are doing for your husband, and I agree that sex makes you feel young again, and believe when you say that your whole body feels like youre in your 20s again. I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. Maybe when she met you she saw a very rich lifestyle that has not panned out. Just curious. Surprise her by getting a sitter and taking her to a nice dinner. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. She needs someone to act as a buffer, to provide support and not make it seem like shes in it alone. My avocation has been fitness for over 50 years and I love the field. Nothing is out of bounds! Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. I was too vain and just average. And I love doggie! Four years of treatment, a fried heart valve replacement due to radiation. I am afraid Buck is correct. My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. Shes particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. And Im okay with that. I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. has he? As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. I am a married woman of 69 and my husband (also 69) lost all interest in sex quite some time ago. It seems a waste in the end. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. What to do about it: Make sure your wife has some time to herself to relax and feel restored. He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? We have never had oral sex, partly because she informed me she had contracted fenital herpes from a prior relationship, but was under control. Its strictly psychological as I have no problems when alone or watching porn, which she is totally against. This is when a person is so sensitive to touch that they try to avoid being touched by another person because of the pain it causes them. Your situation is my situation ! We dated for 30 years and finally got married. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. Sometimes losing interest in sex with your spouse is a symptom of losing interest in the relationship overall. If your wife never initiates affection, its time to take the pressure off. I NEED an active partner. . Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. I think it was William Shakespeare who pondered what an irony it was that desire usually so outlasts ability. Also, expand your definition of sex. Hasnt been for decades. So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. So our sex lives dwindled until around 15 years ago she realized a more regular sex life might be a good thing. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. I look good for my age and am so tempted to look for another relationship. I cant stop thinking about it. Dear, PS Bishislife, Being in a sexless marriage is great, we havent had sex, intimacy togetherness for 40 years. I was disabled when she met me, so Im it cant be because of money. No way! We have tried many times and many ways to lose weight, but his belly doesnt change much and hes passed his growing stage of life. goodluck! Hi Mary He is selfish, lazy and quite frankly a self absorbed narcissist. Have affairs and visit escorts. The experts have very little to offer. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy beingcompliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. A lack of communication may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. Ive been humiliated, rejected and told you can have love without sex, because, after all, cripples cant have sex but they still have love. I cant make the same wages I did before my illness, but added to my retirement money, it can get close. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Were just a hole for your pole . The only relief that I get from my pain is physical pleasure. Anyway, I think when one person in a marriage comes to the point my husband is at and apparently yours is too a therapist is really the only answer. LoL. Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. She does not like to give blow jobs or hand jobs, so I have to do it myself, jerking off and imagining sex with anyone. The phone started beeping and making its different sounds at 630am. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. 24 years younger than I. 9. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? well she decided we will not have sex, and to top it off, she has panic if she touches me and me touching her. However this does not mean that sex should just cease and its quite difficult for one party in a marriage or long term relationship to just do without something like this because the other party has lost interest (or is depressed), or whatever. I always ask if Im doing the right things and she says yes. Dont hold it against her. Men are very simple to please. Basically though, he refuses to talk about this issue with me or anyone else, namely a doctor/therapist, and claims he likes our life the way it is. I own real estate property with my sister which provides some income. Intimacy isnt about sex, its about being close in more ways than sexually. Emotional intimacy is a big factor in a happy marriage and a satisfying sex life. If you notice your wife acting awkward or becoming extremely tense when you try to touch her, it means she is not liking the fact that you are being physical. Take care of yourself. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. This isnt totally new for him either. our sense of what is expected . But I have stayed true to her for our entire marriage . Susan!!! Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. 3. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. For the most part, her doctor (A woman) has told her that it was time to give it up. Because I am not attractive to her. Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us. Be truthful. Oh stfu. * https://disqus.com/admin/universalcode/#configuration-variables A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. Especially if you once had a healthy and active sex life. I have a simple fix for all this. Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. And somehow we have convinced ourselves sex has become less important to us as we age and replaced by the comfort of just knowing we love one another? What Im getting from these posts is that woman dont even want to try alternative ways to fulfill their husbands. I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. Our world is obsessed with sex and without understanding the unity of compassion, respect, close bonds after many years of being together. I love her but I need sex I cant survive with masturbation, being with a woman and everything that goes with it is so important to me. Just need the fortitude to go. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) I am 55, my husband is 59. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. Its just torturing me for no reason. You cant really blame her, can you? I was disgusted with the thought of my tongue in that region. Every study I have ever seen says its over twice as likely for the woman to be the one withholding. I understand that kids, work, and home projects can weaken your romantic side over time, but it doesnt have to be that way. I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. This will make intimacy a million times more enjoyable for both partners. Its not as rosy on our side of the fence, when you really look into it. Its a shame when a marriage reaches this point because so much of both people were invested in it at the beginning and for quite a while. She told me, a man should never get jealous of his wife f ing other men. Hi Monica, You ladies need to get hip on new Sex Play & Sex Toys, My wife of 1yr,(she is 73) ( Im 77) We were having sex every nite & 3 times on weekendsand it all came to a STOP about a month ago. The wife was boring and I had to follow so many rules and regulations when it came to sleeping and sex together. He doesbt accept the limitations of my back injury. Been married 20 years . Many men and most women are connected through sexual intimacy. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. Still, I was ready to jump back into things in the bedroom. You should know the truth brother. I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. /* Still in love with Vicky. You work, cook, clean, fix, dont drink or do drugs! Learning how to communicate and experience life myself . Once youre accustomed to porn, youve trained your brain to need it. If he wont go, go on your own to express your feelings fully and evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage and, if so, what can be done to improve it. You begin to see the problem. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. Her body, emotions, and mind were changing. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. Our marriage still isnt consummated, and this grieves me as I yearn to be loved in this way. oh when either of leave the house or return there is a generic kiss. I love her more than anything in this world. I agree with Trish, Frustrated Daughter. This so frustrating at times. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. 2. Im 59, wife 63 and the big M has hit her like you have said it did you. I was not going to reward her or fall into another hug with nothing more than a few seconds of holding, and then a push off. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. Like, whats wrong with me? Semi handsome for an old guy. . She has very little interest in penetration. Initially, it probably was mostly about the sex. While some of the underlying factors can be weeded out with the right approach and mindset, others can be more damaging to the entire relationship. // Replace PAGE_URL with your page's canonical URL variable If you are not. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! (Side note: why do women get to have multiple organisms?). As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. So all women who married men and saw this first hand, from 14 to 80. Add Cialis if you want solid tree trunk hardness. Ive moved on!!! For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. My husband had 19 affairs. Its time to change your strategy. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! Id be saying goodbye! So therapy would be out of the question, and shed never think about going on anything like low dose hormone therapy. Recently, he has been distant unloving and disrespectful towards me. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. I also went down on her regularly, and now she doesnt even want me to try. with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. My husband spent hundreds of hours on his phone coming up with scenarios to cope with a diagnosis of peyronies that has impacted our ability to have sex, but has never once gone to you tube to figure out how to give me an orgasm! If the sex is all about you, its no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Learn how your comment data is processed. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. There are physical and emotion consequences to withholding sex from a partner. So these women that men here are complaining about, it may just be the attraction towards the man is gone! Even if he cant accept the divorce is coming!!! And please dont tell me counseling. That may not be possible. I am going to be 42 years old!! We went to a therapist who separated us and I thought that might help her confidence. The most affection I can show without her being irritated is spooning for a short period when were in bed Id better not move my hands to caress her! Be the man who won her heart! My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. That partner has truly not kept theur vow, but have managed to put us in a moral quandary. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. When we first met, we had sex 2X a day morning and night. Its just not worth my time to talk to her, all I get is whining, complaining and thats exhausting. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! So in summary, WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION? Got lost there. Is like 5 times a year.! Holy Cow, I have about had it. That leads to no communication and uselessness. I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and are concerned that my wife wont touch me sexually, youre not alone. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch.